Where do I go from here?
Oct. 14th, 2002 11:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rfmcdonaldWhere to start?
My personal life, by and large, is unfulfilling. Yes, I've been socializing more and I've enjoyed it, but it doesn't feel to be nearly enough now. There doesn't seem to be enough depth in my current relationships with other people, and I'm not talking about romantic prospects. (Or at least, I'm not talking only about romantic prospects; but I don't think I've the necessary social maturity for said anyway.) I don't know what I'm supposed to do, to move beyond instrumental bonds to something more profound, at least with the people in my life here on Prince Edward Island. This isn't something you can study for, I know, but nonetheless I only wish that tehre was a text I could find that would make it clear.
Ah, and my parents. This is harsh, but right now I don't much of anything for them, either good or bad. They exist, I live in the home that they own, but right now I don't feel anything in particular for them. They said that they didn't think there was much to talk about after I came out to them, and when I asked Mom why she didn't want ot talk about it she said that we didn't talk about much anyway. But then, I'd've expected them to be capable of the distiction between what happened today and soemthing that tore me up for months. I've survived since February without their help; I should be able to survive for the rest of my life without them.
I'm afraid that if my non-existent social life actually does expand to include a significant amount of my time, that my schoolwork will take a decided turn for the worse. People seem to think that I'm highly organized, but in truth, I'm really quite stunningly inefficient, spending most of my time wasting time, on the Internet or reading books. I've a sneaking suspicion that I've got good grades only because I work so long. It's like those amazingly high Japanese productivity statistics that report a stunning output per day per worker without mentioning that said worker works for ten hours a day: As soon as the workers begin to take long lunch hours, the statistics go all to hell.
Too, there's the rather catastrophic problem that not only do I have no idea what I want to do with my life in general, I have no idea what I want to do in my academic life in the short term. I've not looked in any significant detail at academic programs anyway, I've not applied anywhere, and I've no idea if I even want a master's degree in English. Or any kind of career.
This, I suppose, is what comes of living tightly bundled up in your head for two long: Everything feels flat and without affect. Yes, I suppose this reflects in part symptoms of depression; yes, I'll go seek further treatment; yes. sessions with a counsellor sound like they'd be good right now. But this depression is only symptomatic, though, of a deeper problem that I don't have any idea how to do. I'd thought that I was being more sociable, I certainly have no reason to doubt that--but it isn't enough. I'm not sure that I've ever be able to move beyond this low-level functioning for something more fulfilling.
So what am I supposed to do now? Advice, please; I'm desperate.
My personal life, by and large, is unfulfilling. Yes, I've been socializing more and I've enjoyed it, but it doesn't feel to be nearly enough now. There doesn't seem to be enough depth in my current relationships with other people, and I'm not talking about romantic prospects. (Or at least, I'm not talking only about romantic prospects; but I don't think I've the necessary social maturity for said anyway.) I don't know what I'm supposed to do, to move beyond instrumental bonds to something more profound, at least with the people in my life here on Prince Edward Island. This isn't something you can study for, I know, but nonetheless I only wish that tehre was a text I could find that would make it clear.
Ah, and my parents. This is harsh, but right now I don't much of anything for them, either good or bad. They exist, I live in the home that they own, but right now I don't feel anything in particular for them. They said that they didn't think there was much to talk about after I came out to them, and when I asked Mom why she didn't want ot talk about it she said that we didn't talk about much anyway. But then, I'd've expected them to be capable of the distiction between what happened today and soemthing that tore me up for months. I've survived since February without their help; I should be able to survive for the rest of my life without them.
I'm afraid that if my non-existent social life actually does expand to include a significant amount of my time, that my schoolwork will take a decided turn for the worse. People seem to think that I'm highly organized, but in truth, I'm really quite stunningly inefficient, spending most of my time wasting time, on the Internet or reading books. I've a sneaking suspicion that I've got good grades only because I work so long. It's like those amazingly high Japanese productivity statistics that report a stunning output per day per worker without mentioning that said worker works for ten hours a day: As soon as the workers begin to take long lunch hours, the statistics go all to hell.
Too, there's the rather catastrophic problem that not only do I have no idea what I want to do with my life in general, I have no idea what I want to do in my academic life in the short term. I've not looked in any significant detail at academic programs anyway, I've not applied anywhere, and I've no idea if I even want a master's degree in English. Or any kind of career.
This, I suppose, is what comes of living tightly bundled up in your head for two long: Everything feels flat and without affect. Yes, I suppose this reflects in part symptoms of depression; yes, I'll go seek further treatment; yes. sessions with a counsellor sound like they'd be good right now. But this depression is only symptomatic, though, of a deeper problem that I don't have any idea how to do. I'd thought that I was being more sociable, I certainly have no reason to doubt that--but it isn't enough. I'm not sure that I've ever be able to move beyond this low-level functioning for something more fulfilling.
So what am I supposed to do now? Advice, please; I'm desperate.
