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rfmcdonaldI procrastinate, a lot. I don't know why it surprises people to find out that I do. (Classic example: Mom saying to me, wonderingly, this past July that surely I don't need to do that much more work on my Honours, since I got a lot down over the spring. Me, replying that actually, I did next to nothing because I was so concerned about being bi. Mom saying, "oh.") That example, and others I can remember, pretty much explains why people could be surprised that I procrastinate: I put up an excellent front. Or, to be more accurate, I've usually been so withdrawn into myself that no one ever could grasp a clue
(Question to LJ and other lurking friends who saw me last spring: Did you have any suspicion that anything was wrong with me last semester, that anything was bothering me?)
I just don't like submitting things, because I'm always afraid that I'll be proven spectacularly insufficient, and so, I prefer not to risk it. For example: I've never applied for a scholarship. It isn't because, objectively considered, I wouldn't qualify to win a scholarship because I think I could win one--my first year at UPEI, I won an honorarium for earning the highest marks of all first-year Arts students. It's just that I've always been afraid, I guess of some sort of humiliation, that once I make any kind of commitment on paper, I'll be revealed as a fraud and fail horrifically and publically.
But then, if I don't risk failure consistently, it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Argh--I hate being a fucking coward.
I'm beginning to feel a brutal mood coming on, which is usually good for my work since that gets me done, bad for my personality but then who gives a fuck about that? société de spectacle, that's all any society is.
Trying to print off a John Glassco essay, to submit to Dr. Innes-Parker for an upcoming undergrad English conference, but WordPerfect keeps crashing. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I had a vision I could turn you right/a stupid mission and a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new/my heart is black and my body is blue
and I'm losing my favourite game/you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my favourite game/I've tried but you're still the same
(Question to LJ and other lurking friends who saw me last spring: Did you have any suspicion that anything was wrong with me last semester, that anything was bothering me?)
I just don't like submitting things, because I'm always afraid that I'll be proven spectacularly insufficient, and so, I prefer not to risk it. For example: I've never applied for a scholarship. It isn't because, objectively considered, I wouldn't qualify to win a scholarship because I think I could win one--my first year at UPEI, I won an honorarium for earning the highest marks of all first-year Arts students. It's just that I've always been afraid, I guess of some sort of humiliation, that once I make any kind of commitment on paper, I'll be revealed as a fraud and fail horrifically and publically.
But then, if I don't risk failure consistently, it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Argh--I hate being a fucking coward.
I'm beginning to feel a brutal mood coming on, which is usually good for my work since that gets me done, bad for my personality but then who gives a fuck about that? société de spectacle, that's all any society is.
Trying to print off a John Glassco essay, to submit to Dr. Innes-Parker for an upcoming undergrad English conference, but WordPerfect keeps crashing. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I had a vision I could turn you right/a stupid mission and a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new/my heart is black and my body is blue
and I'm losing my favourite game/you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my favourite game/I've tried but you're still the same
