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rfmcdonaldA while ago at the soc.motss group on Facebook, I linked to (out, gay) Jayson Littman's perplexing Huffington Post essay on the ex-gay community and its members, and the ways in which they're "persecuted".
As many people over in the comments at the Huffington Post pointed out, the problem with Littman's claims of ex-gay persecution is that the entire ex-gay movement is founded on the assumption that anything non-heterosexual is immoral, that the only moral way to behave sexually is heterosexually (or not at all), and that maintaining an ex-gay movement linked closely with political and cultural forces strongly opposed to gay rights is an OK thing to do. Complaining that ex-gays are "ridiculed and judged" by non-heterosexuals for their ideological alignment overlooks the reality that the ex-gay movement is based on a negative critical judgement of out non-heterosexuals. What's wrong with (say) pointing out the many instances where the ex-gay movement can be proven to be factually wrong, or proven to be doing harm, or shown to be fronted by people who are hypocrites in denouncing gay sex while indulging (not gay relationships, sadly, since that's too gay)?
Littman does have a nub of a point with his plea for sympathy. He is right to point out that ex-gays have their own psychological issues meriting concern, and that ex-gays, too, belong to the spectrum of people who aren't heterosexual. I do feel a certain sympathy for ex-gays inasmuch as most people coming out have had their own issues with recognizing and acting on their sexual orientation (I certainly did), and it's probably true that for many people trapped in conservative religious environments an ex-gay community might be a necessary point en route to a more mature relationship to their sexuality than blanket denial. (After all, in an ex-gay group you have to admit to having certain ... inclinations.) Having the space to deal with individual ex-gays in environments where the movement can be dealt with more gently might not be a bad idea. (But how, I know, I know.)
Recently an "ex-gay" friend of mine was detailing the pain he felt when some of his colleagues at work were gossiping about him after finding out he was an ex-gay. "It gets better," I jokingly told him, before immediately realizing that that statement in itself was an act of bullying.
I recalled my five years in reparative therapy through the Jewish ex-gay organization JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality) and remembered attending ex-gay conferences such as Love Won Out and being confronted by LGBT protestors. Those times were quite difficult, because even though I was confident I was on the right path, I felt I was being challenged, mocked, and put down.
Occasionally, an opportunity would arise to meet with a graduate student writing her thesis on ex-gays, or a filmmaker wanting to document someone's journey out of homosexuality. I guess a part of me wanted to connect with the mainstream world, and therefore I usually obliged. Graduate students seemed interested in the desire of someone wanting to change their sexuality, while filmmakers tended to focus on mocking the ex-gay process. Many times I left feeling defeated and down after having my level of attractions challenged and questioned.
The media didn't help, either. During my process of change, I saw the Will & Grace episode in which Jack becomes attracted to the leader of an ex-gay program (played by Neil Patrick Harris) and acts straight to woo the man -- and succeeds. The movie But I'm a Cheerleader, about a naïve teenager who is sent to rehab camp when her conservative parents and friends suspect her of being a lesbian, also mocks the ex-gay movement. At the time, I felt bullied by mainstream media, and no outrage was mentioned anywhere. Had there been movies and television shows that mocked the LGBT community, there would have been an uproar (as seen when ABC aired the cross-dressing sitcom Work It). Why had no one come to the defense ex-gays being mocked in the media?
The ex-gay life is a constant struggle, and the inability to "come out" as ex-gay is a result of the LGBT community ridiculing and mocking the visible and outspoken ex-gays and putting their mannerisms and affectations under a microscope. If this were done to us, we would call it bullying. At one of my lowest times as an ex-gay, I called the Trevor Helpline (now called the Trevor Lifeline, a program of the Trevor Project) to talk to a counselor. I didn't identify myself as an ex-gay, but just needed to speak to someone. I imagine others in the ex-gay world do the same in moments of crisis.
As many people over in the comments at the Huffington Post pointed out, the problem with Littman's claims of ex-gay persecution is that the entire ex-gay movement is founded on the assumption that anything non-heterosexual is immoral, that the only moral way to behave sexually is heterosexually (or not at all), and that maintaining an ex-gay movement linked closely with political and cultural forces strongly opposed to gay rights is an OK thing to do. Complaining that ex-gays are "ridiculed and judged" by non-heterosexuals for their ideological alignment overlooks the reality that the ex-gay movement is based on a negative critical judgement of out non-heterosexuals. What's wrong with (say) pointing out the many instances where the ex-gay movement can be proven to be factually wrong, or proven to be doing harm, or shown to be fronted by people who are hypocrites in denouncing gay sex while indulging (not gay relationships, sadly, since that's too gay)?
Littman does have a nub of a point with his plea for sympathy. He is right to point out that ex-gays have their own psychological issues meriting concern, and that ex-gays, too, belong to the spectrum of people who aren't heterosexual. I do feel a certain sympathy for ex-gays inasmuch as most people coming out have had their own issues with recognizing and acting on their sexual orientation (I certainly did), and it's probably true that for many people trapped in conservative religious environments an ex-gay community might be a necessary point en route to a more mature relationship to their sexuality than blanket denial. (After all, in an ex-gay group you have to admit to having certain ... inclinations.) Having the space to deal with individual ex-gays in environments where the movement can be dealt with more gently might not be a bad idea. (But how, I know, I know.)
