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rfmcdonaldRight now, I'm confused about my future.
This isn't unusual, I suppose, though I've reason to suspect that people who know me might be surprised by this. So far, I've no idea what to do with my life, apart from vague inclinations towards academia and writing. I'll be going to Student Services and taking the Meyers-Briggs test; hopefully it will help me clarify things.
I'm not too concerned with this, though, since I've already gone through a much more serious confusion--linked with gut-gripping existential fear, too--already this year and emerged the stronger for it. (Yes, it was discovering I was bi.)
Lately, I've been going through my E-mail archives, when I came across the messages I'd exchanged with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
schillerium barely two weeks after my fateful realization. Craig was kind enough to offer to talk with my privately, and in his first message to me he'd set up a simple scenario for me:
First, imagine that you decide not to do anything about your current
feelings. You decide at the age of 22 that it isn't worth the risk of
rejection, so you choose not to explore the possibility of what your
feelings might mean. How does Randy at 40 feel about that? What does his
life look like? Is he happy? Has he found a life he really wants? Or has he
spent the last 18 years feeling empty and unfulfilled?
Now, imagine that you decide instead to take the risk and explore where
your feelings are leading you. Ask yourself the same questions: how does
Randy at 40 feel about that? What does his life look like? Is he happy? Has
he found a life he really wants? Or has he spent the last 18 years feeling
empty and unfulfilled?
In response, I'd written that "[i]f I deny myself, I really don't see me even making it to the age of 40. On the other hand, I still have no idea what I do if I accept myself: I've been uncertain about so many things, about my future residence, about my choice of career, that adding my sexuality on top of that blurs things beyond recognition."
And Craig simply noted:
Interesting. Have you noticed that in this scenario you're just confused
about your future, but in the denial scenario you don't even have a
future to be confused about?
Just think about that for a minute.
I really needed that perspective then, you know, Craig. My infinite thanks for exposing me to it.
The general principle that Craig described above works very well with areas of my life--or areas of anybody's life--apart from sexuality. All I have to do is discover a career that will make me happy--fit with my needs and desires, hopefully provide me with some scope for public accomplishment--and avoid the ones that'd be deadening. Like library science.
This task doesn't sound nearly as difficult as it might have sounded seven months ago.
This isn't unusual, I suppose, though I've reason to suspect that people who know me might be surprised by this. So far, I've no idea what to do with my life, apart from vague inclinations towards academia and writing. I'll be going to Student Services and taking the Meyers-Briggs test; hopefully it will help me clarify things.
I'm not too concerned with this, though, since I've already gone through a much more serious confusion--linked with gut-gripping existential fear, too--already this year and emerged the stronger for it. (Yes, it was discovering I was bi.)
Lately, I've been going through my E-mail archives, when I came across the messages I'd exchanged with
schillerium barely two weeks after my fateful realization. Craig was kind enough to offer to talk with my privately, and in his first message to me he'd set up a simple scenario for me:First, imagine that you decide not to do anything about your current
feelings. You decide at the age of 22 that it isn't worth the risk of
rejection, so you choose not to explore the possibility of what your
feelings might mean. How does Randy at 40 feel about that? What does his
life look like? Is he happy? Has he found a life he really wants? Or has he
spent the last 18 years feeling empty and unfulfilled?
Now, imagine that you decide instead to take the risk and explore where
your feelings are leading you. Ask yourself the same questions: how does
Randy at 40 feel about that? What does his life look like? Is he happy? Has
he found a life he really wants? Or has he spent the last 18 years feeling
empty and unfulfilled?
In response, I'd written that "[i]f I deny myself, I really don't see me even making it to the age of 40. On the other hand, I still have no idea what I do if I accept myself: I've been uncertain about so many things, about my future residence, about my choice of career, that adding my sexuality on top of that blurs things beyond recognition."
And Craig simply noted:
Interesting. Have you noticed that in this scenario you're just confused
about your future, but in the denial scenario you don't even have a
future to be confused about?
Just think about that for a minute.
I really needed that perspective then, you know, Craig. My infinite thanks for exposing me to it.
The general principle that Craig described above works very well with areas of my life--or areas of anybody's life--apart from sexuality. All I have to do is discover a career that will make me happy--fit with my needs and desires, hopefully provide me with some scope for public accomplishment--and avoid the ones that'd be deadening. Like library science.
This task doesn't sound nearly as difficult as it might have sounded seven months ago.
